


alive

by InfiniteWoonique



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt, M/M, Mentioned Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Mentioned Kim Jongin | Kai, Mpreg, Pregnant Byun Baekhyun, Sad, This Is Sad, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-14
Updated: 2019-03-14
Packaged: 2019-11-17 19:48:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18105251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfiniteWoonique/pseuds/InfiniteWoonique
Summary: "I miss you, Fannie," Baekhyun hummed, leaning back so he was on his knees. His hand balanced on his belly, getting too heavy for him to move around like this for much longer, "She's kicking now. She wasn't too happy with me for sitting upright for so long. The bus was delayed today, some accident happened on the road and it took an extra half hour to get here."





	alive

Baekhyun was ignoring the pain in his feet as he walked along the gravel road. The flowers there were beautiful and vibrant, plentiful as they were replenished every day. Baekhyun's eyes focused on a bundle of roses he passed, pink and white tied together with a red ribbon. They were so pretty and were just recently placed there. Baekhyun looked at his own bouquet he held in his hand. Yifan's favorite; purple carnations and blue cornflowers. 

Baekhyun smoothed his hand over his swollen belly, round with life. His daughter was kicking like crazy, sensing her mother's discomfort and how much pain Baekhyun was actually in. This had been a very rough pregnancy and about halfway through, his pelvis had split a bit too far and walking became painful. He had been on bedrest to give his pelvis much needed rest so it didn't split further apart than absolutely necessary. 

This left all the chores and errands to Yifan. While Baekhyun was left in bed, Yifan was out and about and this eventually led to his demise. He had died in a car crash on his way home from the supermarket at three in the morning, grabbing Baekhyun a new packet of green tea mochi. Baekhyun had begged him to get it and Yifan had tried to argue it, saying that it was far too early in the morning to be out of the house but Baekhyun had 'needed it'. So Yifan obliged, but now Baekhyun couldn't think of the stuff without feeling absolutely nauseous. 

Four months later, and Baekhyun had visited Yifan's grave every day since it was established. From the day he was in the ground, Baekhyun had been there to bring him a fresh bundle of flowers every few days. Today was one of those days and the bouquet was in his hands. Purple carnations and blue cornflowers. His favorites. 

The cemetery where Yifan was buried was very large and with the spaces provided in the area, Baekhyun had to walk a good distance from the bus stop to where his late husband was buried. The walk from the bus stop to his grave was gruesome and exceptionally painful since Baekhyun's pelvis was in so much pain, but he wanted to make it. He had to see his husband. He could deal with it. 

All of his friends had offered to drive him or go with him to the grave, but Baekhyun always shot their offers down. His visits were him and him only, among family. Just how he wanted it. It was always worth it in the end and now that his grave was a few feet away, he didn't feel the pain anymore. All he felt was sorrow as well as an unspoken, bittersweet happiness that came when he visited his husband's grave. 

Baekhyun kneeled at the grave with great difficulty and replaced the three-day-old flowers with the new bundle, making sure they were placed in a way that Yifan would like them. Baekhyun's fingertips brushed over his husband's name on the gravestone, tracing every character and letter, not leaving one centimeter untouched. The chill of winter was starting to bite and the cold stone was harsh to Baekhyun's hands, shivers running down his back. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the beginning of Yifan's name, making sure to whisper good wishes into it as well. 

"I miss you, Fannie," Baekhyun hummed, leaning back so he was on his knees. His hand balanced on his belly, getting too heavy for him to move around like this for much longer, "She's kicking now. She wasn't too happy with me for sitting upright for so long. The bus was delayed today, some accident happened on the road and it took an extra half hour to get here."

As if knowing she was being talked about, the baby girl kicked Baekhyun right in the lungs, knocking him off guard and leaving him a little breathless. He chuckled and rubbed where he could feel her head. She wiggled some more and Baekhyun tried to focus, wanting to find something else to tell Yifan. 

But he came to a blank. It was hard to have a one-sided conversation. Yifan was a great conversationalist, always knowing what to bring up and where to steer their focus. He was fantastic, but now it was just Baekhyun. 

"Her name is Hayoon. Kyungsoo helped me pick out the name. I thought it was too cute not to name her that. He also helped me finish the nursery yesterday, made sure everything was put up correctly and Jongin helped put together the crib. That was the last thing we needed," the wind howled and whistled, whipping at Baekhyun's coat and tossing his fringe out of his eyes. Petals from the old bouquet started to fly out and they scattered around Baekhyun's place on the ground, their sweet fragrance long gone. This conversation was getting harder to do the further he spoke. 

"Yifan, I won't be visiting for a while," Baekhyun nearly whispered, hand wandering over his round middle under his coat, "I'm due next week and today it was really hard to get here. I'll try a few more times but I'm not sure when I'll feel well enough to. We'll have to see," no response, just like he expected, "Kyungsoo and Jongin will be in the delivery room with me. Maybe my mom too if she can make it on time. She lives kind of far, but I have faith in her. I called your parents too, but they're still in Canada. They'll make a trip out when Hayoon is here and they'll even visit you."

Baekhyun's heart started to constrict. He was going to deliver their child without Yifan there. Yifan wasn't going to hold his hand and help him through the pain, he wasn't going to kiss him after their baby comes into this world screaming. He wasn't going to hold her. Yifan had always wanted kids, always wanted enough to form his own basketball team and this first one was the start of it all. But Baekhyun had ruined that. 

"I miss you," Baekhyun barely added as his voice cracked, tears starting to find their way past his ducts. He cupped his face as he cried into his palms, wanting his husband to be here, to talk to him, to hug and hold him, to tell him everything is going to be alright. He missed Yifan so much and sometimes he was scared. He was scared of forgetting him. Just the other day, he couldn't remember what his voice sounded like and had needed to watch a video he had taken of the older to remember. He was slowly forgetting his husband and he was afraid he wouldn't have anything to tell his daughter when she grew old enough to ask what her daddy was like. 

A contraction distracted him from his tears and he winced as he went through the motions of it all. His daughter wiggled as if to remind him that she was still there. Baekhyun's hands cradled his belly, as though he was already holding her and wished only good things for her. She was going to grow up with one dad as opposed to two and that was heartbreaking. 

"We'll miss you, Yifan. She's going to hear all about you and she's going to know who you are. We both love you so much," the wind whipped by and shook the bouquet of flowers on Yifan's grave. Baekhyun watched, wishing his husband was here one last time this visit before adding, "I love you, dear."

The next bus was going to be here in fifteen minutes and he would need to start his way there or he was going to miss it. He hoisted his body up and straightened everything out, the pain in his pelvis excruciating. He needed a nap when he got home because he was exhausted now, "I'll see you soon. Don't miss me too much." 

Baekhyun waddled away towards the bus stop, the way back always feeling shorter than the way to. It always felt longer emotionally though because every visit without fail, he always broke down in tears before the bus came to take him away from his dead husband. His husband who would never see their daughter. 

Once on the bus and leaving, Baekhyun looked out the window until he couldn't see the cemetery anymore, tears still falling from his eyes, "Bye," he choked before turning back to face forward, wanting to have a better day then he had today. 

Things would be different soon. He wouldn't be totally alone. He would have his daughter with him next week and he was looking forward to it. His daughter. Half him and half Yifan. He would be with them again, in the form of their daughter, her soul. He would be here, and Baekhyun smiled. His daughter was his chance at happiness. She would be with him and love him the same. 

His family was not dead. His family was very much alive and it always would be. No doubt about that. 

**Author's Note:**

> Super depressing but I couldn't get this out of my head. I'm kind of depressed


End file.
